Posts In: the push

There was the opinion of her doctor. There was the opinion of her partner. Her mother also had an opinion and so did her best friend who just gave birth a few weeks ago, not to mention the online forums she had turned to throughout her pregnancy. She didn’t know what to do and now she felt like her doctor was annoyed at her for not setting a date and her mom and her partner had even gotten a little heated discussing their differing opinions. And all the while, no one had really asked H. how she felt, or what she wanted to do. Over the phone, she relayed this all to me. She might have called me hoping I would tell her exactly what to do: to induce or not. But I knew I was never going to be the one making the decision. What I could do was hold space for her while she sorted through it and answer specific questions about inductions and this would lead to her answer. “You have so many people giving you their opinions,” I said. “That must be so taxing. I’m sorry you have to do so much emotional labor in making this decision. I’m here to talk about it, but just know I support you no matter what you decide.”

For the next hour and 16 minutes, I was a doula in a way I had never been before. I was holding a leg up, I was gripping a hand and finding half moon indentations in my palm. I was steadying myself with muscles I didn’t know I had, muscles that would be gloriously sore in the coming days. I was sweating and holding my breath and crying out. I was physical. I was deeply utilized and my heart was full to the brim.